Friday, October 9, 2015

I Choose Blessings

I found myself dealing with depression again recently. This time it was more focused on the hurts from people around me. I've had hurts from family, friends, church members, leaders in churches, etc. Just to verify, I know the word church was mentioned a couple times, but it hasn't just been the people in church. Plenty of "worldly" friends and family have hurt me too.

I could not find a way around the pressure and pain from all the hurts, be it recent or past. Everywhere I looked it seemed like my life had been one big depressing blow one after another. I just couldn't shake it. I didn't understand what was so wrong with me (or them for a few of the issues) that they had to cause these hurts in my life. I'd been down for weeks, knowing good and well I was depressed, but I didn't tell anyone at the time. I spend a lot of time alone so appearing OK is quite easy on the rare occasion I do see people.

One day I was sitting at home lost in a maze of thoughts each one about what hurts I'd faced and who had caused them. In the middle of my "maze" something happened.. I honestly can't tell you what it was, I've forgotten, it may have been a scripture that popped in my head or maybe just a thought, could have been the voice of God.. I don't remember, but suddenly I knew what I needed to do. I needed to pray. Not for myself, though God knows I need it, but for each person that had hurt me. So I wrote a list of names of each person I could think of, no matter how big or small the hurt. Now I told you I needed to pray for them so I told God all the hurts and ask that He show them how they've treated people and that He'll help them to change, etc... but that wasn't what God wanted or what I needed and I knew it... I knew what I had to do. So humbling myself, with tears streaming down my face, and with all my heart I prayed that God would bless each one, despite who they were, despite who they are, despite what they'd done I want them to be blessed!
Wouldn't you know I woke up the next day and I felt great, the depression was gone, I wanted to actually get up and do stuff.. like cleaning lol. I've continued to feel better, I'm not saying that I don't have moments where hurts pop up. They just don't bother me like they did before. I've reminded myself that there's a possibility that they don't know what they did... although some of them would have to be complete blind idiots to not know what they'd done, but you know those kinds of people do exist LOL  But even if they do know I choose to want them to be blessed.

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