Monday, November 11, 2013

I Am The Face Of...

I am the face of a WIFE

I am the face of a MOTHER 

I am the face of a daughter, aunt, sister, friend, and more. 

I am the face of DEPRESSION

That last one was shocking huh? I bet most people would never have guessed. Even the closest of my friends wouldn't have known.

Depression like most "illnesses" has levels. Luckily mine has always been a very minor depression. I have dealt with it off and on most of my life yet I have never seen a doctor about it. For a while I actually forgot about even though I was still dealing with it because it was my normal. It has effected my energy, the way I eat, the way I think, my friendships, my marriage, my family, it has caused me to waste hours and days of my life, it has caused me to only want to sit and watch tv. 

Depression is serious. It doesn't care who you are, who you were or who you want to be. It does not care if you have a spouse or children to take care of. It does not care if you have a job or even two that you have to have. It doesn't care that it's wasting away your life or making a mess of your relationships. It does not care if you are rich or poor, healthy or sick, good or bad.

 It is depression. It works from the inside out. It starts in your brain and suddenly the rest if you just plays follow the leader. 

Don't judge people who deal with depression, we didn't ask for this. If you think this is the life we've planned for ourselves you're very wrong. Personally I wanted to be extraordinary. I didn't want one piece of my life to be mundane, ordinary, normal, or average. I wanted to have lots of friends, parties, be a co youth leader with my spouse, I wanted to be surrounded by those that love me and those that I love. I wanted to be the person everyone else wanted to be and wanted to be around. Instead I find that my entire life is mundane, stuck in a rut. 

I thankfully have never been suicidal, not to say the thought of death and not having to deal with everything has never crossed my mind, but I would never (purposefully) kill myself or have anyone else kill me. Strangely I'd rather live in my rut than die. 

Today I finally went to the doctor to try to get this resolved. I've been prescribed an antidepressant and I will take my first pull tonight. 

Antidepressants can have side effects such as making you suicidal or more suicidal which is most common in children, teenagers, and young adults. 
We'll see what happens with me. 

I think I'm going to try to blog every day about how it's going, what I'm dealing with, my thoughts, the effects it is causing, if I'm getting better, etc. 

If you're reading this and have depression please don't let it continue. Go to the doctor and get on some medicine don't wake up years later and realize that you've wasted part of your life being miserable. The medicine I was prescribed isn't really expensive so there's no excuse. 

Feel free to follow along with me on my journey out of depression. 

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